I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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