a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
In America we eat man semen.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
