Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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