my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
