Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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