Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
