i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
