I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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