I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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