I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
