I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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