I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Congratulations! We have a period
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
