maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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