I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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