You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
