just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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