and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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