Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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