Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
