if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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