im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar