That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
