i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
