I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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