Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
