well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i out mim tonsoeep
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
