Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?