it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
