Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.