wat bout pragnant strippers??
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
