The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
