the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
