so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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