I'm so fucking centered right now
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
