I just pynch a tree in the face
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
