remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
