she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
