Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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