I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
