Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
