I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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