y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
