There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
