Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
