My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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