Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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