I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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