Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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