Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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