I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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