Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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