I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
