Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
