overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
