Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
