Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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