I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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